Nicki, known offscreen as Jennifer Catayong, flew back to the Philippines this August to join the 10th anniversary celebration of Showtime Online U, the digital show where she became a familiar face. Soon, she will be on a plane again, back to the country where she and her husband have built their life together.
Before she leaves, PUSH ABS-CBN caught up with her – and what she shared was far from the postcard version of life abroad.
Nicki first caught the public's attention in 2013, when she won Kalokalike, the It's Showtime lookalike competition, as the Filipino twin of rapper Nicki Minaj. The win opened doors. She became a radio DJ on MOR, took on acting and hosting jobs, and eventually landed a regular spot on Showtime Online U (SOU), alongside the noontime show's other young hosts. By her own account, the offers were coming in from all directions.
Then she got married, and everything changed.
Speaking on the sidelines of a press conference for money transfer service WorldRemit, Nicki said moving abroad was not something she was pushed into. She and her husband had spent five years apart before they finally decided it was time to be in the same place.
"Mutual decision naman 'yun kasi nag-start kami na LDR eh. Five years kaming nagde-date muna hanggang sa finally nagpakasal na kami. And mutual talaga siya," she said.
Still, walking away from a career she had spent years building was not easy.
"Syempre nanghinayang ako, kasi kaliwa't kanan 'yung brands noon. 'Yung racket at 'yung Showtime Online, 'yun 'yung parang finally, thank you, nakapasok na ako. So nanghinayang talaga ako, tapos bigla na lang nag-shift 'yung buhay ko to housewife," she said.
She is quick to say she has no regrets about the marriage itself. If there is one thing she is sure of, she said, it is the man she married.
"'Yung buhay ko sa Germany, ang masasabi ko, grateful and homesick at the same time. So grateful. Kaya sobrang thank you, Lord, sa asawa ko talaga. Like, my husband is such a very good human being. Wala akong problema when it comes to love life," she said.
What she did not expect was how heavy the first few months would be. Surrounded by a language she could not speak and a culture she did not yet understand, Nicki said she slipped into depression during her adjustment period.
"Doon ako homesick kasi kahit napapaligiran ka ng taong mahal mo, naramdaman ko 'yung lungkot," she said.
"Na-depress ako doon. Like, three months. Noong nag-adjustment period ako, three months akong na-depress kasi ang dami kong ganap sa Pilipinas," she added.
In Manila, her days were full – tapings, radio shifts, brand deals, events. Abroad, the calendar was empty.
"Pagdating doon, wala akong ginagawa, and new language, new culture. So na-uproot talaga ako nang malala. Na-depress ako, pero at the same time, new learning siya for me," she said.
For a time, she carried it alone. Every morning, she would see her husband off with a smile – and fall apart the moment the door closed.
"Una sa lahat, 'yung asawa ko, sobrang laki ng tulong niya kasi super understanding si Baba. At the same time, noong panahon na nagde-depress ako, pag-alis niya, syempre magpe-prepare muna ako ng mga kailangan ng asawa ko. Pag umaalis siya, smile. Pag-close ng door, doon na ako iiyak talaga. Hindi ko alam kasi wala akong mapagsabihan, wala akong makausap," she said.
She admitted she kept it from him at first, partly out of pride and partly because she didn't want him to see a version of her he had never met.
"Although nakakausap ko 'yung asawa ko, iba pa rin kasi alam mo 'yung pride mo na hindi naman palagi dapat pwede na mahina ako. Nakakahiya naman sa asawa ko. Hindi naman ako ganito niya nakilala. So may part na in denial ako na hindi 'to depression," she said.
However, Nicki admitted the signs became harder to ignore.
"Tapos nakikita ko 'yung sarili ko na nawawalan ako ng gana kumain. Nawalan pa ako ng gana kumain, partida ako 'yun, ha. Pero hindi. Like, umiiyak ako kahit walang rason. Like, very random day, iiyak ka na lang," she added.
Ironically, it was the show she left behind that helped hold her together. Watching SOU from thousands of miles away became her thread back home.
"Sobrang laki ring tulong na may Showtime Online U kasi 'yun talaga 'yung legit, hindi ko shinu-sugarcoat. Nade-depress ako, naho-homesick ako at the same time. Pag nanonood ako ng SOU, parang ito na lang 'yung pinakakoneksyon ko sa Pilipinas. So mahirap siya," she shared.
Nicki said nothing prepared her for the reality of marrying into another culture – because nobody talks about it.
"'Yun 'yung parang isa rin sa mga hindi nakikita ng mga tao kasi, personally, marami akong kamag-anak na nakapag-asawa ng foreigner, pero walang nagsabi sa kanila na, 'Uy, pag nag-asawa ka ng foreigner, masaya. Pero kaakibat noon 'yung adjustment sa language, sa kultura. Made-depress ka, mag-a-adjust ka.' Walang nakapagsabi ng ganoon eh," she said.
She also pushed back on the tired assumption that a Filipina who marries an afam, the local slang for a foreign partner, has automatically been rescued from hardship.
"Puro lang tayo, 'Uy, nakapag-asawa ng afam, go Pinay, i-ahon sa kahirapan.' Hindi ganoon 'yun eh. May mas malalim pang mga pinagdadaanan 'yung mga kapwa nating Pilipina na nakakapag-asawa ng foreigner. But I think it's normal kasi nag-a-adjust ka eh," she said.
Part of that adjustment was going back to being a student. Nicki enrolled in German language classes, and she is currently on summer break – which is also why she was able to come home.
"Noong una, hindi ako marunong mag-German. Ngayon, basic pa lang, ganyan. Kasi kailangan. Ngayon, naka-summer break lang ako, kaya rin ako nakauwi. So nag-ge-German language ako. Isa 'yun sa una," she said.
Finding work, she learned, is a different problem altogether. Jobs are plentiful, she said, but a Philippine diploma does not open the same doors it does at home.
"Ang daming work doon. Ang daming work opportunities, pero syempre, kahit tapos ka mag-aral dito, hindi nila i-a-acknowledge 'yung pinag-aralan mo. Kasi nga, una sa lahat, hindi ka marunong magsalita ng lengguwahe nila," she said.
So she started from zero. Her first job was babysitting – decent pay, manageable work, but a hard landing for someone who used to be on national television.
"So nag-try ako doon, una, mag-babysit. Babysitter ako. Okay siya, malaki rin 'yung bayad doon. Pero syempre, parang may part pa doon na sa Pilipinas, okay 'yung trabaho ko eh. Hindi naman sa dine-degrade ko 'yung work na 'yun, pero hindi ko lang in-expect na ganoon pala 'yung feeling na mag-start ka ulit from scratch," she said.
Then she remembered where she began. Long before the noontime show and the radio booth, Nicki had worked in fast food. She applied at one.
"Hanggang sa naalala ko kung saan nga ba ako unang nag-start mag-work – sa fastfood. So doon na rin ako nag-apply, mag-fastfood. 'Yung fastfood na 'yun, hindi naman talaga required na mag-German ka. Pero 'yung mga katrabaho mo, syempre, mga German. May konting racism pa rin kasi hindi ka nagsasalita. Hindi mo sila naiintindihan, so mag-a-adjust ka," she said.
"Talagang mahirap, pero pag nakita mo na 'yung sahod mo, forget, masaya ka na ulit," she joked.
Eventually, she stopped trying to handle everything on her own and sought help from a mental health professional.
"So yeah, right now, okay na ako," she said.
—By Paolo Lim